1 – With today’s technology, it has become easier to find a lot out about someone online. Have you ever performed a little background research on a potential boyfriend?
I understand the temptation (boredom, curiosity, harmlessness) and reasons why I should (safety, namely), but I don’t date-Google anymore. I did a few years ago, when I was on a matchmaking website, and it put me in a difficult situation. I knew things I shouldn’t and then had to feign ignorance when they were mentioned. The trouble is that the one place where it’s uncomfortable to discuss findings is on the date itself; I found myself steering conversation in the direction of my discoveries. Things became tainted, as the spirit of mutual discovery wasn’t quite what it ought to have been. Not only that, once I forgot what I’d been told and what I was not supposed to know yet (I asked him how his puppy was and he stared at me oddly).
Sadly, it’s typically negative and bizarre material that rises to the top of the web and threatens to define people: a political campaign he joined years ago, an old essay for a homework assignment, a comment he left on a website then forgotten. In short, things that have nothing to do with who he really is.
Lately, I’ve allowed a professional matchmaker introduce me to pre-screened (for criminality/violence/financial irresponsibility) gentlemen and through her, dated some pretty high-profile men. I’ve learned that when one is in a celebrity, the Internet DEFINITELY can’t be relied upon for facts (it’s rife with lies, slander & insanity about those in the public eye).
2 – And along those same lines, how about checking up on some ex-boyfriends (or old schoolmates) to see if they have went from attractive to fat?
I have indeed searched out old flames and friends online, with mixed results. We went years without reconnecting, and everything was fine, but now, thanks to social-networking sites, my old friends and lovers can essentially pop up in my own home. It was like having a secret stash of ice cream in the freezer: even if it was a little stale, it was hard to resist. After all, we’re talking about the first person I may have had a crush on, or kissed, or cried over, or had sex with, or even took home to Mom; no wonder I was curious! I think in one case I wanted to ponder the nostalgic “road not taken;” in another I was searching for forgiveness, closure and vindication.
When, a few years ago, I was unhappy in a relationship and about to become single, I think I was looking for someone who was attracted to me in years past because, so the theory goes, he might be attracted to me again. That’s all fine and dandy. But I warn you: I was playing with fire. For one thing, in one case I was VERY surprised by what I found. Sure, it was unsettling to find out my friends are now more wrinkled, my ex is chubby, bald, and/or gay. But it wasn’t the worst thing that happened. Once, I discovered they an old best girlfriend hated me. I knew she did when she first ignored me, and then told me off. A former friend with whom I had a fight, still being hurt…not surprising, I suppose. And consider this: What were most at risk when I sought out exes online have been my current relationships.
Of course, all this isn’t really the fault of the Internet; it’s my fault. It’s what happens when I ignored the time-honored rule on former connections: Let sleeping dogs lie. Pre-Internet, I would’ve more carefully considered writing a letter (or picking up the phone and calling) an old love or friend. When I went looking for a former partner, I knew I was looking for trouble. I have just one simple rule now: if I look, I don’t make contact.
3 – The ’50 Shades of Grey’ book series was touted as erotic literature for soccer moms and became a much-needed spark in many married couples’ sex lives, introducing BDSM to the masses. Do you find that reading book and/or articles of that nature give you added incentive and willing to try new things in the bedroom?
Ah, delicious BDSM (or, if done wrong, the road to restraining orders). “50 Shades of Grey” has indeed planted seeds in my mind. As a “switch” (look it up), I have some experience in this realm; I read my favorite scene from James’ book to my guy, told him what intrigued me about it, and gauged his reaction. We took it slow (surfing the Net for ideas gave me an all-out anxiety attack…do NOT do this, friends), relaxed (do not rush out and buy a Special Edition Spanish Inquisition Package, ha ha), had fun with it (maintained a no-judgment zone), and chose a still-hilarious “safe word” (he was initially worried about hurting me and/or doing the wrong thing), and then: he told me to lie on the bed. He commanded me to hold onto the headboard and spread my legs as far as I could. I was forbidden to move until he told me that I could. After he puts a blindfold on me, over my eyes, he proceeded to pleasure me as he would for our normal foreplay, though I found that being blindfolded sparked even more creativity. My senses were heightened, my responses even stronger, and since the cardinal rule for many men (the good ones!) is “what turns her on, turns me on, “taking away sight so that he could focus all your other senses on what he was doing with his fingers, mouth, a feather, a sprinkle of fragrant cinnamon powder.
The more hardcore stuff, like floggings, at first scared the bejesus out of me (I’d never associated sensual punishment with his love for me). But those erotic romance spankings were kind of intriguing, after reading “50 Shades of Grey.” In fact, spanking has had a hugely arousing impact, giving the endorphins a titillating strum and connecting to that subconscious desire to surrender to my lover’s power. So he turned me over his knee or bent me over a chair or bed (I learned that there are many fun, accessible areas for him to play with when he’s resting his hand). While I don’t entirely “get” the pain-pleasure aspect of BDSM, I suppose it’s no different than why a roller coaster is both scary and thrilling. I’m unable to control the ride, and yet I willingly stepped onto it, with certain expectations of my experience. If the engineer has done his job, I enjoy the ride a great deal.
A great deal of the power power of BDSM is in the psychology. Often, being allowed to address my partner only by a title like Sir while we’re in bed gets me even deeper into the experience. He sometimes wants to do the same, calling me his ‘slave, sub, kitten,’ etc. Lately my bad girl paddle has been fun, but I’ve learned it has to be used correctly. The human body is tough in a lot of ways, but very simple things, like using ropes too tightly around wrists or a strike with a paddle against the wrong place, has resulted in injury…which means no fun for either of us. At the end of the day, our BDSM practice is based on a power exchange, where we trust one another enough to relinquish control to each other for mutual pleasure. It’s conducted under a careful structure of safe words and rules that protect both of us. Done right, it has deepened our emotional and physical connection, and has be a heck of a lot of fun!
4 – Have you ever been on a first date and kept looking at your watch wishing it had been over?
When I went to a coffee shop to meet up with a guy for what would be our first date, I expected him to be (at least close to) on time. An hour later, he finally appeared. Normally, I’d have bailed before that point…but something told me to stay. Since that bad date became a wonderful boyfriend for years, it’s a good thing I did. I would’ve missed out on something great if I didn’t try again.
Yes, I’ve had horrid first date(s) in which I wanted to be anywhere else, but since life isn’t the movies, I’ve never expected first dates to be unfold perfectly. First impressions aren’t always best impressions; people act oddly when they’re nervous. I once met a guy with whom I’d been exchanging messages online, and things were awkward and boring. Conversation was forced (he might’ve spoken 10 words the entire time), I was miserable, the emails for weeks prior caused too much pressure, and when he later told me he’d “had fun,” I knew I’d never see him again (our ideas of “fun” were clearly wildly different). As he kept emailing, I felt the “just friends” vibe; he seemed from a different planet than me, so it simply wasn’t worth pursuing. Otherwise, love can take time to build; giving a second chance, changing settings, and letting myself get to know the guy has made me realize that I can’t judge a guy’s quality on one hour of his life.
5 – How does a woman know when there is an instant connection with a guy?
I’m curious about this – the men I’ve liked have been so eclectic and yet we formed relatively quick connections, despite sometimes disparate ages, cultural backgrounds, and/or lifestyles. What caused our close and easy bonds? It seems you just have it with some people. For me, a sense of humor, physical attraction, commonalities, the men being down-to-earth and sincere (when a guy is comfortable with himself, he’s better able to express his true self to me, making it easier to get to know him; since he understands himself, he’s also more tolerant and accepting of me and others, even if our perspectives on important matters differs).
Similarity is crucial; when I first meet a guy, if we perceive at least some commonality, we feel more at ease disclosing information about ourselves because we believe we will understand one another (and feeling understood is essential to forming relational bonds). So in terms of similarity, there can never be too much for a satisfying partnership. Additionally, the degree to which we disclose information about ourselves (while recalling that sharing too much too soon isn’t best and balancing self-disclosure with some degree of secrecy/mystery is ideal), maintains trust with excitement in romance.
Sexual magnetism is always great, but to a lesser extent. The most extroverted guys I’ve known, who seek out and thrive on interactions, are at ease in social situations, and are adventurous and agreeable, obviously were those with whom I felt the most connection.
6 – The bar and club scene used to be a good way to met people for dating, but it seems as if going online has taken some of that away. Do you feel that it’s still better to go out and party instead of filling out a website’s questionnaire?
I like to call online dating “pre-dating.” Everything I learn about a guy online is what they’ve chosen to share with me, nothing more and nothing less. I can connect on a cerebral level this way, but I have no idea if we’ll have legit chemistry (I know we can have conversation over dinner, but can we tear each other’s close off afterward?). Going out and “partying” (though I’m a two-drink-at-most girl, not really the partying type) helps me learn quickly if I’ll be repulsed by his teeth (Done. Next.) or offended by his vulgar language.
Terms of endearment and flattering head shots mean NADA at this point; if I spent hours getting to know a guy online before meeting in person, I wasted a ton of time. When I meet someone offline, it’s all about looks to start. So I’ve got the hots for them physically…nice! And if we get to talking and I realize I like him mentally, then there’s real compatibility. This process is reversed online; the depth of the real sweating, breathing, and can’t-get-enough-of-you chemistry just can’t exist online, and I have no idea if we have genuine chemistry when in the same room together. I’ve thought of online pre-dates, “We have chemistry–we think the same way, have the same beliefs, are interested in the same things.” But then while we had things in common, the idea of chemistry at that point in our connection was an illusion; true physical and mental chemistry cannot be determined over a photo or profile.
When I’ve met men online, butterflies signified POTENTIAL compatibility; all I could do was hope the interest translated into real attraction once we met in person and spent time together. When we met, chemistry sometimes still took a few offline dates to show itself (some people just suck at first impressions). I’ve had some success meeting guys the traditional way, and some success meeting online; I’ve definitely had bombs both ways as well. There are a zillion opportunities out there in dating to meet via whatever method we want, and in the end, that’s a good thing.
7 – What is/was your favorite ‘Spring Break’ destination and how drunk and crazy do you let yourself get there?
My favorite Spring Break destination was Acapulco; back in 1998 friends and I rented a house there for a week, planning to simply party like rock stars, as they say. The house was in the jungle, and we planned to go to the beach, meet tons of guys, and bring the ones we liked back to the house. On the first day, we found out that the house was infested with ants and scorpions…yes, scorpions. At night, we could hear them running on the walls and falling onto the floor.
When we finally got some cute guys to come over, one of them was using the restroom and screamed like a little girl before limping out into the living room. As it turns out, a scorpion had crawled onto him and bit his rear end! Everyone freaked out; I checked into a hotel…and then partied so hard that I don’t remember anything else from the entire vacation.
8 – What was the wildest bachelorette party that you had the pleasure of attending?
We started my best friend’s bachelorette party at a Whiskey Bar in San Francisco; around her fourth drink, she leaned over the bar and a candle lit her hair on fire; she’d used a ton of hair product, so the flames grew quickly. I decided to try to put out the fire by throwing my drink on her…terrible idea (um, alcohol?). The bartender threw an ice bucket on her head…she was okay, and the bar paid our bill at least.
9 – How does a guy know the difference between when a woman is playing hard to get or that she just doesn’t want to be bothered with him?
Mystery and the “thrill of the chase” are fun, but can blind you to the difference between a woman who like you but is trying not to be pushy, a woman who just enjoys the ego boost of the tease, and a woman who just isn’t interested. A woman playing hard to get might have many other men interested in her but while it’s hard for you to get him or her, it’s even harder for your competition. You get a clear message that she likes you more and is willing to be “caught.”
With the woman not interested, on the other hand, you are not even sure she likes you. While a woman playing hard to get will continue to be very open and approachable and available, she will be hard to nail down. The woman not interested, on the other hand, may have been very open and approachable and available initially but will suddenly seem distant and unreachable. A woman playing hard to get will call when she says she will call mainly because she cares about how you feel and is careful not to hurt your feelings and consequently drive you away. The one not interested just thinks of herself. Period. A woman playing hard to get will cancel a date and usually has plausible reasons. She also makes sure to reschedule and already has a date, place and time in mind. When not interested, if she calls at all she’ll leave you unsure when you will next speak or see her. A woman playing hard to get makes a real effort to get to know you as a person: asks personal questions about you, your work, your family or your day. She remembers things you say and lets you know that she does. A woman not interested may keep in contact but asks no personal questions about you and avoids any personal questions about herself. If she’s lonely and just enjoying the attention, you find yourself in the role of adviser, counselor, coach or purely social support. Once she finds someone else to lean on, she moves on without any guilt or shame about using you.
10 – Birthdays, Valentine’s Day and holiday time can be tough figuring out what to get our wives/girlfriends. What is a sure winner gift-wise?
Jewels, flowers, experiences (dinners, concerts, shows, events), travel (a getaway with you?), pampering (spa services!), clothing/accessories…all always lovely. But if any of you guys want to spoil this girl, I’d love a new Cessna Citation Mustang…more my style. :)
Leah K. is a native Californian. While spending nearly two decades as a published model, she also received her undergraduate degree in Berkeley, MBA in Los Angeles and eventually commercial pilot licenses in Arizona. When she’s not found in front of the camera, she’s enjoying the sunny skies as a flight instructor, keeping fit in her local gym, or at the park playing with her dog.
Video Credits:
Produced by Pouyan Fard. Be sure to visit his official website, www.PouyanFard.com